From the Marry Blogger Archive….originally from March 9, 2009
I grew up doing theatre. Like most boys, I started out in soccer and baseball, but after my first performance (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs), I was a theatre kid all the way.
(You can tell I’m a true theatre guy because I spell theatre the artsy fartsy way.)
I love theatre.
In my years on stage, I got really good at taking criticism. After every rehearsal, actors get “notes”. The director sits on the edge of the stage and rattles off pages and pages of “notes”. Everyone in the cast sits in the audience and listens to the criticism from the director on how to improve their performance.
At the next rehearsal, you are expected to perform in accordance to the notes you received.
Many times, I saw directors belittle and berate actors in front of other actors. I have seen actors break down in tears because a director would rail on them so harshly. I remember one director yelling from the darkened audience “What the H*%! do you think you are doing?
That’s not great for an actors ego.
Your Marriage: Criticism Factory or Encouragement Central?
I have heard of marriages where one spouse is a constant criticizer. Much like directors – they will fire off notes and criticisms about their spouse without a word of positive encouragement.
It’s not great for a spouses ego.
We get criticism in so many areas of our life, especially work. Then, if we come home to a criticizing spouse – that makes life really difficult.
We have to remember that we are on the same team in our marriage.
Remember our spouse is God’s kid.
Look at them and notice things that they are doing – be it work, chores around the house, or other things…and encourage them.
You Rock!
You’re The Best!
That looks great!
You look Great!
Wow, Thanks for taking out the trash!
Two Steps to Encouraging Your Spouse
1. Observe what is going on around you in your house, your family, and with your mate.
We disengage way too easily, everything is normal, ho-hum-drum and we just take it for granted that nothing is different. Be Present in the Present.
Perhaps you notice 1 positive thing, and focus 100% of your effort there. Bill and Pam Farrel suggest this method in their book “Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti“.
Engage life. Be a player, not a spectator.
2. When you notice something new or different, ENCOURAGE!
No, it doesn’t come naturally, or easily. But noticing small things, then speaking up about them is a step in the right direction.
Now it’s Time for You to Take a Turn…
How do you encourage your spouse?
Is it difficult to find something positive to encourage them about? Why is that?
I’d love to hear your story.
Photo by Franco Folini
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
How do you keep up an attitude of encouragement when your spouse rarely reciprocates? Its very discouraging. Sometimes I find myself wondering why I bother. Logically I know that I should continue to try and keep a good attitude despite what he does, but really what I want to do is send him articles like this one and say…”This is for you”. Not very Christian-like.
After 20 years of married bliss (and a lot of crappy days for good measure) I can say that encouragement means different things to different people. I am such a Words of Encouragement Girl that I have a mental tape recorder for all 10 compliments The Sailor has given me over the years. (not counting the sentence he writes in my anniversary cards each year, so I keep those too.)
I think he would reciprocate except once he finally revealed his thinking, “Gina, in my mind talk is cheap. I grew up with a dad who always said great words, but where the heck WAS HE? That's why I show my love by doing things for you, like changing the oil.”
My thought? ” I can hire the kid at jiffy lube to “love me” that way!!” Still, it helps to understand the Love Languages – and just accept that we may not always give and receive love in the same ways.
The Love Languages are very revealing. I am most definitely a Physical Touch/Quality Time gal (Words of Affirmation comes in a close 3rd). I think my husband is most likely an Acts of Service guy. Shouldn't we try to reach our spouse using their love language at least some of the time? I try to make sure I keep the house clean because I know it makes him happy. Shouldn't he try to spend time with me and be affectionate with me?
I try to tell myself that he shows his love in different ways, but some days I just can't see it. We are both on second marriages, with a blended family of 4 kids and we are celebrating our 2nd anniversary in another month. So our situation is anything but simple.
Very nice post. Need to get this one out there. Like I always say, encouragement and compliments (genuine) will get you everywhere. Now you made need to rosify those glasses, but your perception is your perception. I always say that the only one you can change is yourself.
Gratitude is the key to happiness.
Sarah Baron, member of Anonymous8
Here's my vote for encouragement! If consistency is rule number one, positive reinforcement is rule number two.
In fact, I wrote a post a couple months ago about how to motivate a man: http://newlywedandunemployed.blogspot.com/2010/…
I give Gary lots of praise because I know he's a very social person. I also brag about him so he knows it's going to get around. (I do not, however, complain about him.) I've also recently shared with him my goal setting strategy and he's been able to set long and short term goals and is already achieving some! Mostly (and we're unemployed and without children, so we have a great luxury of time), I try hard to get involved with his goals and to do chores together. A a social person, he likes the companionship and would give up more easily if he didn't have someone along for the ride.
My husband and I both come from critical families and are both overachievers as a result. It has taken us many years to learn to bless each other with encouraging comments, having received very little to none growing up. But the result has been dramatic. We have been married 23 years now and I have to say, it is truly better than ever. I make a point to not only verbally comment something encouraging every day, but also text something encouraging or complimentary and always have lots of physical affection, too. Kisses and hugs abound in our life together and we love it. My primary love language is Physical Touch and his is Quality Time (for both of us, Words of Encouragement is 3rd or 4th.), but we make it work beautifully. This post is so timely.
I honestly don't think most of my critical friends or family really see themselves in a negative light. As you described the theater critiques, it can be SO uncomfortable being around female family members raking their husbands “jokingly” over the coals. You just can watch the spark go out in those guys' eyes. Sad.
Everyone likes to be complimented and words of encouragement are a form of compliment.
It must be genuine. Delivered with a bit of enthusiasm helps as well.
Absolutely Jo – Thanks so much for the thought. A Genuine Compliment is a great thing.